How Do I Handle a Relapse of Self Hate?

Hating oneself is an interesting proposition AND an interesting experience.

With the PPM (Personified Physique Method) we first look at the lesson that a negative persona teaches us. This lesson is something entirely personal and probably won't be the same for any two people.

My Hateful Persona
Here's what I learned from my Hateful Persona. To me, my Hateful Persona is the persona that says "NO!" the loudest. It says "NO!" in a way that leaves no doubt that my Hateful Persona is pushing everything and everyone out. "NO!" she says and makes everything around her black.

I learn from her that if I hate myself I am saying "NO!" to myself in every way. I am literally blocking myself out. It can be weird to consider that you are saying "NO!" to yourself in essential ways and that you are allowing deep personal unhappiness into your life. It is also strange to imagine that you would ever say "NO!" to your body, your mind, and/or your entire self, but this is indeed what my Hateful Persona revealed to me.

What could I (or you) possibly learn from this? One possible lesson is that we can learn (in a harsh way granted) how it feels to say "NO!" and block things or people out. It is a valuable skill to learn to say "no" and to put up walls and boundaries in some situations. Of course, maybe it would be nice to involve our Diplomatic Persona a bit more to balance our lives more carefuly but our Hateful Persona teaches us in a dramatic fashion, which is oftentimes preferable (in my opinion) to the dry sensibility and caution of diplomacy.

Dramatic Lessons and Experience
Dramatic lessons such as those provided by my Hateful Persona have a high level of emotion attached to them. High levels of emotion often make our experiences in life more memorable and thus often more impactful. Inside of some of us there may be a desire that craves the deep impact of high levels of emotion. Perhaps you are one of those people. Perhaps you need to act, sing, dance, create, or live in silent hate....it's all dramatic and maybe that's what you need. Granted, acting or singing is a far more pleasant experience than hate but drama doesn't care whether the drama is positive or negative; it just wants drama.

Try to imagine what this experience of hate would be like if you were primarily utilizing your Diplomatic Persona, your Stern Persona, or your Ungrateful Persona instead of your Hateful Persona. How would your personal experience be different? Pay attention to the energy you feel as you consider each of these personas inside of yourself. It may be that your Hateful Persona is the perfect persona to give you the drama of hateful experience and blocking everything out. Talk to your Hateful Persona and yell at it if you will.

Ask it why the hell it has arrived. And it will scream the fuck back at you.